Have you ever found yourself at work or school or uni, or whatever, asking yourself, 'Why am I doing this?'

 

I have to admit that I'm not a very good 'big picture' person. I tend to get side-tracked by what's happening in the present and smaller details of things a lot of the time. I think it's part of being a bit of a control freak and perfectionist too. I tend to concentrate more on the things I have some control over because they make me less uncomfortable.

 

I'm feeling in that frame of the mind a bit about uni at the moment. The 'why am I doing this?' Not that I don't like my course or that I don't want the job, I just think it's that time of semester. Lots of assignments are due in the next couple of weeks but working up the motivation to do them is hard. It starts to feel like uni is taking up so much time and energy without getting much in return that I start to ask myself why I', committing so much to it. Of course I know in the back of my mind that it's worth it. I want to be an OT, I think that once I find the right job in the field it will be awesome. But that's the 'big picture' stuff that starts to get blurred when you're reading the assignment question for the 6th time.

 

I guess everyone asks themself this question at some point about many different areas of their lives you know. I think that generally we're pretty good with stuff that gives us immediate feedback but not so good with stuff that takes time and where feedback is a long time in coming.

 

Maybe that's why Christians have crises of faith at different points in our lives. We start to lose sight of the big picture, sometimes even of the reason we are here. We get caught up in the little things of life because they are the most immediate. It's an interesting thought.

 

I guess the underlying theme in the question 'why am I doing this' and the thing that keeps us going when we ask it (whatever we are asking it about) is hope. We hope that one day the study will get us where we are going, one day we'll get that promotion, one day we'll meet that person who will take our breath away, one day things will be better and we'll smile again.

 

Life without hope isn't really much of a life I don't think. When everything else is gone, hope can sustain you. It's amazing really, since it's not even a tangible thing.

 

Maybe that's why I'm here, that's why I'm doing this study. Because I want to be able to work in a job where I can instill hope in people. Where I can help those that have lost hope find it again. I just hope I'm up to the challenge.

 

I think my thoughts just ran away with me then but you probably get the picture. That's what it's like to be in my head some days, random and fast and crazy. But you get used to it, well, sort of.

 

Jess  :)

I was reading the back of a book at work the other day trying to decide which shelf it should live on. I can't remember exactly what it said but it was something along the lines of needing to change how the present day church does church because the 18-30s age group just aren't attending anymore. It said that we need to change with the times and provide them with something that they can relate to.

 

Did I miss something? If the church is going about the business of spreading the news about God and Jesus then we don't need to change it. Maybe we need to look back to the roots of what the church is rather than trying to find another 'new' way of doing things. I mean the message of a God who loves us and who died for us and desires relationship with us isn't any less relevant today than when Jesus walked the earth. We don't need to offer a flashy show or 'cool' music to 'lure' people into church. We just need to speak to their hearts.

 

We need to offer them the hope and the message that Jesus brought when he came to earth. Maybe we just need to get back to basics.

 

What's inside doesn't change just because the packaging does. If we do what Jesus called us to do, without getting side-tracked by our own agenda, then we should be fine right?

 

I don't think any of us will ever figure out how to do church the 'right' way. But I don't think the answer is a new marketing ploy or a new package for people to buy into.

 

I'm not meaning to imply that that's what this book was saying but a lot of the time that's what it feels like people try to do. Still, I hope we never give up trying to get it right.

 

Still pondering...

 

Jess  :)

I'm sure I had something to write in here but as soon as I find the time do you think I can remember what I wanted to say? No. It's so frustrating! Maybe I have writer's block. Wait, then I'd have to be a writer wouldn't I? Well I guess that doesn't work. Perhaps I have a dodgy connection in my brain? That could be it, it would explain a lot.

 

Argh, if only I could access the part of my memory that holds the information that I want.

 

Ahh well, maybe it will come back to me later. At the moment my brain is full of information about OCD cause I have been working on a case study assignment for my mental health unit at uni. Perhaps after I chill for a bit other things will be able make their way to the front of my brain again.

 

Sigh.

 

Jess  :)

I went to see 'The Devil Wears Prada' the other night. I didn't have high expectations for the movie but it turned out to be a pretty darn good movie. It was a chick flick though guys.

 

So basically the main character wants to be a journalist but knows that she needs to take a lesser job first. So she ends up working as an assistant for the editor-in-chief for a fashion magazine. This girl knows nothing about fashion and thinks models are stupid. But after working there for a while she realises that if she's going to survive in the job she's got to make some effort about getting to know about fashion and the world that revolves around it.

 

As the movie progresses she gets more and more involved in the world of fashion until she starts to change. Her job becomes her life. Her friends notice, her family notice, but she doesn't. Not until she starts to feel everything around her start to slip and change and become chaotic. Once she realises what has happened she walks away. She decides that making it in her career is not worth losing who she is and changing what she truly values.

 

I just sat in the movie and thought, 'yeah, you know what relationships and being a decent person is way more important than career. Your job makes you money and provide you with a sense of accomplishment (hopefully) but it shouldn't define who you are.' Of course this is coming from my perspective. Some people are quite happy for their career to be the most important thing in their life. But I guess if that's the case then you have to decide how much you're willing to give up and what you're willing to do to get ahead.

 

I just want a job that I enjoy going to, a job where I can feel like I am making a difference. I don't need to be at the top, I don't need to be brilliant, but I do want to be competent. Maybe that means that I have no ambition, or maybe it just means that career isn't at the top of my list of important things.

 

Something to think about I guess.

 

Jess   :)

Hello to anyone who may still be reading this blog. I haven't been very good at keeping it up to date lately but I promise that I will work to fix that. On the bright side it seems that I get a stack of comments when I don't write for a while.  :)

 

Anyway, a few weeks ago now I turned the big 2-1! I don't actually feel any different. No wiser, no older, pretty much the same. But I did get to have an awesome party! So I'm gonna tell you all about it, just cause I can.

 

Preparations started at around 9am in the morning. First on the agenda was some cleaning so that it was out the way and the more exciting preparations could get underway. Well that and the fact that I tend to spread my stuff all over the house and I had to collect it and put it all back in my room. Then there was the typical vacuuming, whiping down of benches, moving of furniture, that sort of thing.

 

After the cleaning there was food shopping. I had a coffee and dessert party and I wanted to cook stuff so we had to go get some igredients and extra food. Once we got home and unpacked everything I got stuck into baking. I love making desserts cause you can be a bit creative with them. So for the entire afternoon I did just that, I made desserts. It was fun actually, except for the dishes!

 

Around 6.30ish I started getting ready in amoungst finishing off cooking stuff. I actually even bought a dress for the party. Which is pretty amazing since I rarely wear dresses (pretty much the only other times in the last few years has been to weddings).

 

People started to arrive right on 7.30 and the party began.

 

Now, when you send out party invitations you never really quite realise just how many people you have invited to come to it. I mean I knew that I had invited a fair amount of people but until they were all standing in my house I didn't realise just how many. I was so chuffed with how many people came along to help me celebrate and I felt so loved! I'm not just saying that either. I really felt honoured that people wanted to help me celebrate.

 

Matt and Bec were awesome slaving away making coffee. And even going to get another coffee machine when the first one started making funny noises and producing odd smells. Thanks guys!

 

It was just great to chat to everyone and catch up with some people that I hadn't seen for ages. Even though I didn't get to talk to anyone for very long I had a blast. I also got absolutely spoiled!

 

I wish I'd seen all the cars parked out the front though. Everyone who came a little bit later asked me if I had seen them all, I imagine it was quite funny to see all those cars parked along our street.

 

So thanks to everyone who came out to help me celebrate. You spoiled me rotten and made it a fantastic night! One I won't forget.

 

As soon as I can I shall add photos to the album.

 

Jess  :)

That's right avid readers (assuming that there are actually any) I'm back from the place where computers are not allowed. Perhaps I should start from the beginning?

 

After spending many many hours at the computer writing up study notes I ended up with a very painful shoulder (wait, did I already blog about that?) so I was banned from the computer for a week, which turned into 2. Hence the no blogging. Well, that and the fact that I've been on prac & working so that I've not really had the opportunity to blog.

 

So, taking into account my previous entry & the fact that prac is pretty important, you can probably imagine some of the feeling & thoughts that have been hanging around for the past couple of weeks for me. Mostly prac has been really good & I am learning a heap. But it's also tough and confronting & just, well, hard. There's so much to wrap your head around & it's exhausting. Plus I never really feel like I know what I'm doing. But I suppose you get that huh.

 

Other than that life is pretty good. I feel like I have no idea where anyone else is at though cause I've been so busy. So feel free to let me know what you're up to, what you're thinking, whatever. You can also feel free to have no contact whatsoever if you want.

 

Hurrah for the long weekend (I get a 2 day weekend, how great is that!?).

 

Jess   :)

 

P.S. The title is the title of a song, I haven't taken up singing as a career. I'm not in that league.

In light of exams and the invevitable unease and, yes, stress that they bring I was thinking about what really scares me the other day. I managed to boil everything down to one simple thing that is at the centre of all my fears, I think.

 

I am afraid of failure. It is the one thing, in all areas of my life, that petrifies me.

 

Now some people see failure as part of the learning curve. It's true, I know that there will be things that I'm not good at, things that I just can't do. Or things that will take me a while to get the hang of. Some people can put that down to learning and move on. I guess the aspect of failure that scares me is that I will somehow fail at the things that I really care about, or the things that matter most.

 

Then again there are things that terrify other people that don't really scare me that much at all. I guess most people are afraid of death, it used to scare me but it doesn't so much anymore. I mean, I'm afraid of the pain of dying, but I'm not so much worried about the death process, if that makes any sense.

 

We're all afraid of something. We all deal with what we're afraid of in different ways. But I guess that all of us walk around with this feeling deep down inside that what we fear the most just may happen. I guess that's what come of living in a fallen world. Most of the time we're pretty good at hiding it, but every now and then, something in the facade that we put up cracks, and the raw fear deep inside us somewhere shows through. I'm just glad that I have somewhere to turn when that happens.

 

Jess  :)